Since you were born, you were automatically attached to your primary caregiver; usually your parents. The nature of this emotional attachment along with how it was cared for, will determine the foundation for all the verbal and nonverbal communication in your future relationships, especially with your romantic partners.
Your attachment style does not determine everything about your relationships. However, it plays a big role in how your relationships worked or didn't work in the manner they did, why you’re attracted to certain “types” of people, as well as the nature of problems that keep resurfacing in the relationships in your life.
For instance, children who grew up in confusing, broken circumstances will often grow into adults who aren’t able to understand their own feelings and other people’s feelings. This would lead to different problems, and as a result it would hinder the ability to maintain a successful relationship.
According to the attachment theory study, there are 4 different types of attachment styles that adults can acquire:
Secure,
Anxious,
Avoidant,
and Anxious-Avoidant (Fearful).
Secure Attachment Style
Securely attached people tend to be satisfied and less anxious about their relationships. Children with secure attachment styles see their parents as a secure base to venture out and come back to. Securely attached adults have an easier time forming connections, reaching out for comfort, and offer support. They are comfortable being alone and independent. In a romantic relationship, they feel secure and connected, while having the freedom to explore freely and independently.
Anxious Attachment Style
People with anxious attachment styles are more insecure and nervous about their relationships. As a child, they receive love and care but with unpredictable insufficiency. Anxious attachers need constant reassurance about their relationship, and are not comfortable being alone or single. They’re looking for a partner who can rescue or complete them, and are seeking safety and security by being clingy, possessive, demanding, and paranoid to their partner. As a result, more often than not, the desperation will push the people they want to be close with away.
Avoidant Attachment Style
People with avoidant attachment styles take pride in their independence and are uncomfortable with intimacy. This attachment style is developed in childhood by infants who only some of their needs are fulfilled, while the rest are neglected (for example; being fed regularly but did not receive enough attention when crying). They detach easily from their loved ones, and feel suffocated when people try to get close to them. They usually lead more inward lives, pull away to process their own emotions, and do not like to be vulnerable. In an emotional situation, they are able to shut down their feelings and close themselves off from feelings.
Anxious-Avoidant (Fearful) Attachment Style
Anxious avoidants struggle with both being too intimate and having fears being abandoned. As children, they are always between being desperate for their parents or pushing them away, and often in abusive households. They tend to have mixed up and unpredictable moods. They can distrust and lash out emotionally to people they want to be close with, and the next moment they can smother and be very loving to their partner. Anxious-avoidants often end up in abusive, dramatic, and dysfunctional relationships.
Insecurity Will Attract Insecurity, Security Finds Security
People with these 4 different attachment styles usually end up in a predictable pattern. Secure people will be able to handle both anxious and avoidant types. They are comfortable enough to give the anxious all the reassurance they need, and give space to avoidants.
On the other hand, the anxious and avoidants usually end up together. Avoidants pull themselves away, but the anxious are the ones who are willing to stick around and approach them to open up and be vulnerable. For instance, a man who is avoidant had successfully stayed away from a woman who liked him. A secure woman might leave, but the woman with an anxious attachment style will become even more attracted to the man who pushes her away. Eventually, the guy will commit to the woman after having his insecurity reassured by the woman sticking around for so long.
Changing Your Attachment Style
Fortunately, the attachment style you developed in your childhood doesn’t 100% define the relationships that you will have in your adult life. However, an extreme negative life event might cause a secure attachment style to fall into more insecure ones, such as divorce, death of loved ones, serious accident, etc.
Our attachment styles are also deeply correlated with our self-confidence and how we see ourselves. Secures have an overall positive outlook on themselves and others. Anxious have a negative outlook on themselves, but positive about the others. People with anxious styles can work on themselves and build a healthier self-image. While avoidants have a more positive outlook on themselves, however negative to the others. Avoidants can learn to be vulnerable and learn from other people.
Being self-aware is the first step. Paying attention to your patterns and being honest with yourself is the most important thing when trying to figure it out. When you are aware of your attachment style, you can find ways to deal with it and develop a healthier secure attachment style to maintain a healthy relationship, even though it is slow and needs a lot of effort.
If you still have no idea of what attachment style you have, you can try this test and watch this video to help.
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