Many at times, people think that setting boundaries in relationships are unnecessary or impede the progress in the relationship. They may think things like: isn’t my partner already supposed to know what I want? Or, will this interfere with the romantic side of the relationship?
They may even think that having boundaries in a relationship means they do not love their partner as much. All of these are misconceptions because every healthy relationship must have boundaries in order to thrive and continue being healthy.
What occurs is that, we may want something different from what our partner wants, but if we don’t express that want or need then, often, we allow that other person to stomp all over our feelings and have things their way. Therefore, what we want gets pushed aside by someone who knows exactly what they want.
Here is a chart to show you some aspects of a relationship that are healthy and unhealthy:
Now, we know that setting these boundaries are necessary, but they are easier said than done. Here are some tips to help set boundaries:
Be self aware - you need to know yourself.
You need to look inside and see what works for you and what doesn’t and how you want to be treated in different situations.
Be able to communicate these feelings clearly.
This is a crucial part because if you don’t talk about how you feel, how will they know? You should be able to voice your feelings without fear of what they will do in response.
Be specific when communicating your boundaries.
For example, instead of saying “Can you please pick up some groceries?”, you can say “Can you please pick up a carton of milk and a dozen eggs?”.
Be less defensive.
Instead of saying “You need to do this”, you can use I statements, such as “I feel..” or “I would like it if..”.
Give a compliment sandwich.
This means you would start off with a complement then give your opinion and again end off with a positive statement.
An example of this would be, “Honey, I love that you cooked dinner tonight, would it be alright if we soak the pots before we eat? I can’t wait to taste your delicious cooking.”.
Boundaries that don’t work:
Do not use absolute language.
This means not using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’. This does not work because they are unrealistic and don’t last.
Do not manipulate or have a double standard.
An example would be, “If you speak to X, I will hurt myself” or “You are not allowed to do X, but I can do it whenever I please”.
Practicing setting healthy boundaries and executing them is a skill to be honed and can take some time. It may not come easily but with some openness and trust with your partner, it will only make your relationship stronger over time.
So the action plan is: now, that you know how, identify where in your life you lack boundaries. Then, implement healthy boundaries and notice how your circumstance shifts. If you need more information on boundaries, you can watch this Tedx Talk video by Sarri Gilman.
Sources:
Commentaires